


Growing Empty

by Are_you_ever_not_going_to_fall_for_that



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fluff, Gets sadder each chapter, Growing Up, Pre-Thor (2011)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 08:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4214691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Are_you_ever_not_going_to_fall_for_that/pseuds/Are_you_ever_not_going_to_fall_for_that
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snap-shots of Loki's life before the events of Thor. Angsty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Thor
> 
> This is not angst with a fluffy ending. This starts out fluffy and it steadily gets angstier. Fair warning. There are four shorts parts and I was going to post the four parts in four days, but I decided against it. They'll all be posted today there just might be a few to several minutes between each part as I edit them. 
> 
> Warnings; eating disorder. I don't think that it's technically anorexia, but it has similar elements. 
> 
> Happens when Loki is 600 the equivalent of 12.

Loki jumped as something touched him. He dropped the leather bound book he was reading on the oak desk and jumped out of his seat. His eyes narrowed in annoyance as he caught the culprit.

   “Thor!” he hissed as they were in the library and shouting was frowned upon. Thor smiled and put his bag on top of the table. Loki looked down at it and then pointed his nose away from it. It was Thor’s training clothes and they were so full of sweat, he wasn’t sure how Thor could be sitting there with his bag so close to him. Loki didn’t understand how Thor could enjoy training so much that he would do it even when they weren’t required to. In fact, most of his brother's free time was spent training while most of Loki’s was spent in the library trying to learn more. He never seemed satisfied, Loki thirsted for knowledge the way he knew that Thor probably thirsted for water, due to the strong stench of sweat in the air.

   “It is time for dinner,” Thor said and Loki blinked. Right, he always was so absorbed in his books that more often than not he forgot when dinner was.  Loki grabbed the book that he was reading and placed it carefully in his bag. His brother laughed boisterously and Loki shot him a glare, it was the library after all and there were other people there attempting to study. The blond clapped his hand over his brother’s shoulder and said.

“You should be grateful to me. You would die of starvation if I didn’t come for you,” Loki shook off the hand and rolled his eyes, even as he started towards the feasting hall with Thor the two of them falling into their natural walking rhythm.

“I think eventually the growling of my stomach would alert me to the fact that I hadn’t eaten,” Loki pointed out.

“But by then it would be too late, the feasting hall would be closed,” Thor replied. Loki stopped in the halls and lifted an eyebrow with a mischievous expression on his face.

“Have you found a way into the kitchens?” Thor asked, his eyes widening as it was something he had only dreamed of. All the unguarded food and no one to tell him not to eat as much as he could stuff into himself.  Loki smirked in response.  

   “Books are good for something.”

* * *

 

   “I can’t move,” Thor complained, as he put his hands around his stomach hours later. Loki’s hand were around his stomach as well but for a different reason. His stomach that seemed much rounder than it had before was also aching, as if his stomach was protesting what he had just done. Loki looked at the nearest cream puff which was only feet away and he curled in on himself. How could something so tasty feel so bad afterward?  

   The kitchen doors suddenly swung open and a woman, most likely part of the cooking staff, due to her clothing, which consisted of a protective cloth rather than just a dress, stood in the doorway eyes narrowed at them.  Her eyes narrowed further as she caught the mess on and around them. Loki knew that Thor had remnants of the cream puffs all over his body and Loki was probably the same. The younger boy was too sick to move much or to try to hide the evidence. It would take quite a lot to do so as there were half eaten cream puffs surrounding the two of them. The trays that were supposed to be put away in shelves were on the floor next to them, implicating them further.   

   “Brother I think we are in trouble,” Thor said finally noticing the woman in the room. Loki nodded.

   “I think it’s a distinct possibility,” he said, knowing that most likely the two of them were in big trouble. Despite the pain in his stomach and the tiredness in his frame from having slept little, due to sneaking in there, he couldn’t find it in himself to regret it quite yet. That might change later.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this one, he's 750 or 15 Midgardian years. I use Midgardian years so that you aren't confused in the actual story.

Loki’s put down one of the books he was reading and then picked up another one hoping this one had more information about his desired knowledge. He blinked as he realized that Thor was in the room. The raven hair adolescent had gotten better at being aware of his surroundings, even when he was researching as intently as he was. Thor looked slightly apologetic, although Loki couldn’t not fathom why. Regardless, he started packing up his books like he always did. He would simply have to start again after dinner in his room. Hopefully, he would find the answers he was searching for this night.

“I’m sorry that I am late brother,” Thor said pitifully. Loki blinked; Thor was late? He hadn’t even noticed.  Loki was well aware that sometimes  he could get so into his studies and research that he would forget that he was hungry, or that food was even necessary. It was the reason that Thor always came and got him from the library, so that he would not forget to eat.  Loki looked at the time and saw that it was about an hour later than Thor normally came to get him. It didn’t matter, the feasting hall would still be open for another few hours.  Even if it wasn’t, Loki still knew how to get in the kitchens even if he hadn’t used the secret entrance in many years.

“Sif and Fandral were fighting and their match was very intense and-”

“It’s fine,” Loki said, interrupting Thor as he was sure he would hear plenty about in the feasting hall and didn’t want to have to hear it twice.  The raven-haired being strung the bag of his books over his shoulder and headed for the feasting hall. Thor had grown lately, so Loki had to pay more attention to keeping pace with Thor as he didn’t seem to notice that his stride was longer and quicker than it used to be. Still, the two made it to the feasting halls without Thor getting far ahead of him.

Loki put his bag down on the ground before sitting next to his brother. He looked down at the food. Asgardians always ate so much, so the tables were piled high with food even when there wasn’t a feast. A feast simply meant even more food and everyone getting drunk by the end of it.   As suspected the moment he sat down he was regaled of the tale of the fight between Sif and Fandral. Telling the tale had to have taken longer than the actual match because they all kept interrupting each other to tell it.  

Loki listened as he nibbled on some vegetables. He tried to smile when he was supposed to and laugh when he was expected, but he didn’t feel it. He had never liked training. Loki couldn’t wait till he turned 16 and passed his vigamaðr freista, then he would never be required to train again. He wasn’t bad at it, he just never enjoyed it like everyone else on Asgard seemed to. He could fight hand to hand, but preferred long-distance battle: using magic and daggers. If only his preferred way of fighting didn’t cause others to mock him for not being a real warrior.

No one mocked him more for that than those around him. He was well aware though that despite the outward appearances and despite what maybe even they thought, they were more Thor’s friends than his own. Loki had never good at making his own friends and so Thor being the good big brother he was, had shared his own with him. But it was clear that their interests and loyalty resided more with Thor than him. Though he was also fairly sure that they were unaware of it and thought them all merry friends.

He saw more than most people did and sometimes he wished that he didn’t see so much.  He wished, that he could believe that they were all friends. He wished he could believe that Thor wasn’t pulling away from him, that their different interests weren’t pulling them apart. Loki had tried for a long time to share Thor's interests,  but after hundreds of years of trying he had given up. Now he did what he desired even though he was often mocked for it.

“Loki,” he blinked, he hadn’t realized that he had become lost in thought. Thor's voice had broken him out of it.

“Sorry Thor, my mind still on the book I was reading,” he lied, it was an excuse he often used when he had been caught not listening.

“Loki, you spend far too much time in the library,” Thor admonished, not for the first time. If Thor had left it there then he would have been able to ignore it but his brother hadn’t.

“You need to spend less time in the library and more time sparring. You need to spend less time studying trickery and study real fighting before you become even more womanly than you already are,” Loki’s blood boiled at the Thor’s comment. Womanly. He was not womanly just because he fought a different way, he was enraged and hurt at the same time that Thor would say that to him, but he didn’t explode like he wanted to.

“Some of us would rather exercise our brains rather than our bodies,” Loki said icily and got up from the table leaving his nearly full plate behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned that it gets sadder each chapter


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is when Loki is 17 or 850

Loki blinked and then blinked again as he realized his eyes were starting to hurt. He reluctantly put the book he was reading down onto the table. He looked around the room to give his eyes something else to examine that would not be so hard on his eyes. He scanned the bookshelves of the library, finding nothing out of place. He had been in the library nearly every night since he was 12. He used to come here after training and school.  He would spend his time in the library until dinner and usually continued studying into the night. Some of it was school related, but most of it wasn’t. His eyes finished taking in the shelves that surrounded him and settled on the one window that he could see from his preferred table, the one that everyone knew by now not to take or else you would get on his bad side. The raven-haired teen frowned as he looked out the window.  It was dark, very dark outside. He looked at the time. It was late, very late, too late for dinner. He hadn’t noticed how late it had become, then again he rarely did. Something hard formed in his stomach and for a moment he felt like crying.

“He didn’t come.,” Loki whispered to himself. He had always come before, the last few decades he had been coming later and later but he had never not come before. Thor had forgotten to come and get him. He knew that the two of them had been steadily growing apart.  Thor had become more attached to his friends than he was to him, especially after Loki had passed his vigamaðr freista and had stopped training, except for the little he did that kept him in shape. He had been okay with it, mostly because he knew that it was normal. He knew it wasn’t Thor’s fault that Loki wasn’t great at making his own friends. But Thor had always come for him before, had showed in his own small way that Loki still meant something to him, and that had been all he cared about.

Thor hadn’t come for him. He had forgotten about him. But no matter how much Loki felt like crying he didn’t allow himself to. Everyone already made fun of him for his methods of fighting, even though no one was around, he wouldn’t let himself show any weakness.

He knew he could go to the kitchens now. They had never found his and Thor’s way into the kitchen. He could easily go there and get some dinner, even if it wouldn’t necessarily be hot, he could take a roll or two, but he didn’t move from his spot. He didn't feel hungry. He knew that he should be hungry, the teen hadn’t eaten since lunch and he had only had some pieces of fruit, but he wasn’t hungry. After a moment, Loki picked his book back up and kept reading.

**  
  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki is nearly 21 or about 1040.

He couldn’t control anything. He couldn't control that Thor was going to be king in a few short months, even though his temperament meant that Asgard would fall into chaos  He couldn’t control the fact that his father thought somehow that Thor was ready for that kind of responsibility. He couldn’t even control his own future, Thor likely would assign him to some role as a diplomat or as part of the council when he became king. There was only one thing he could control. What he ate.

Over the years, he had slowly eaten less and less. He hadn’t noticed it at first, he had just become more interested in feasting on knowledge then in feasting on actual food. As he and Thor had pulled further apart, the less Thor had come to get him for dinner. When Thor hadn’t come for him, Loki often hadn’t eaten the meal. At first he had made up for it at breakfast and lunch by eating a little bit more. But slowly those meals had become a few hurried bites so he could get back to his studies as soon as possible.

He wasn’t quite sure when it had turned into what it was now. Loki never went to dinner anymore, except for the rare occasion when Thor would remember and drag him to it. Lunch was the same story, especially now that he was no longer a child and no longer had to go school. It was mostly breakfast that he had to get through. Today, both his mother and father were absent from the table, it was him, Thor, Sif and the warriors three.

Loki had stopped listening about five minutes ago when it become clear they were talking about yet another fight between two of the people at the table, he didn’t even remember which ones.

Loki’s attention was on the food on his plate and the food around him.  He wasn’t sure when it had happened, but sometime over the years he had grown to despise the smell of food that used to make him salivate. It made him nauseous just being around it. Eating it was not possible. Over the years during breakfast, he had mastered the art of illusion. Of making it look like he was eating when in reality he was merely moving food around on his plate. The only time he actually ate was when his mother or father came, because he was afraid one of them would be able to see through his illusion. Thor never had, then again he was always paying more attention to his friends than him during the meal anyways.

The only times they actually talked anymore was on one of Thor’s stupid adventures. The adventures that someone almost always got injured on, because between the five of them, none of them seemed to have a lick of common sense.  Or in Sif’s case was hiding any sort of common sense because she liked the leader too much to counter anything the fool said.  Her crush was so blatant Loki was surprised even Thor couldn’t see it. Then again Thor saw very little. Thor couldn't see him, didn’t see past the facade that Loki showed at all times to cover what he really was.

 **  
** Loki finally scooped the rest of his meal into his napkin and then ended the illusion. He made some sort of excuse to Thor that he doubted Thor heard and made his way to his feet. He walked slowly over to the nearest trash receptacle and stood over it for a moment, his napkin with his breakfast he hadn't eaten in his hand. He looked over at Thor and his friends who were laughing at something. They didn’t even seem to notice his absence. Thor was broad and strong, as were the warriors three. Even Sif had a strong build. His own muscles were diminishing, due the fact that he was too tired to keep up his old training routine that he had done for years. It also likely had something to do with that fact that to function, his body had to eat something and most of his fat stores had depleted. He was always tired, more than once he had found himself asleep in a book he had been trying to read.  Thor and the others had grown up, he had simply grown empty. He released the napkin and walked out of the feasting hall.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.


End file.
